His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
