explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize