so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
