He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
