You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
