fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
