We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
