i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
