i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize