I want to stick my p in your. b.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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