my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
