we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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