singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
