Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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