i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
