My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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