Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize