Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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