i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
