I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
