I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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