I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
