I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
