tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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