Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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