I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
