I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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