She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
