I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
