2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
we should paint friendship bongs
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