His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
