I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
