I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This toilet bowl is my home.
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