why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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