my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
