i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
