If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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