I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
