we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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