OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize