Cold hands, warm shart.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
