you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I smell like Dick and happiness
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
