I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
