Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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