The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
