She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
