don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
