Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
