On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize