dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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