She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
