I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
