quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize