We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
