My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
