I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
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