we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
