Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
