my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
