We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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