see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
