checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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