so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
