I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
