She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Randomize
